Linus got it right

This is a great day to forget about any past hurt or wrong-doing. Christmas is about the hope of forgiveness offered to everyone by love.

Hungry

I am hungry, but not for food or anything that this world can offer. I am thirsty, but no natural spring water can satisfy me. I have deprived myself of the One who fills me with life. God forgive me. I want to come home.

13 Jesus answered, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:13-14

35 Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.

John 6:35

God, thank you.

Atheists Don’t Exist

“Whatever your heart clings to and confides in, that is really your God.” -Martin Luther

Everyone has a God. I think it’s funny when people say they do not believe in God because they seem to think that they are better for it. The reality is that they may not believe in my God or your God, but they have a God. Their God may be success, money, power, an ideal, a person, work. It could be something good or bad. The sad part is that whatever It may be, it is only as long-lasting as the foundation it is built upon. Success, money and power are all man-made and they are all short-lived in the grand picture of things. They can each be seized just as quickly as they can be lost and they can be controlled by a person’s will. What kind of God answers to the will of a human being? There is no measure of power in that. Relationships and people may be their God, but even the best relationships and people are greatly flawed. They are not dependable, and I think it is unfair to subject any person or relationship to the pressure of godliness. Furthermore, any person who thinks they are worthy of being called godly does not even deserve to be served by a dog. Some people put faith in themselves, and without admitting it they are their own God. They may call it independence or being strong-willed. Believing you are not in need of others is a great failure, and their is nothing strong about living for yourself. Strength comes in listening to the smallest voice inside yourself that tells you to do the things that serve a greater purpose than your own. Where do you think that voice comes from? Not from the green of money or from the rush of power. It comes from God. One God. And although he allows us to serve whatever God we think fit, he knows that we will never find complete fulfillment separate from him. That is why he continues to call us even when we stray so far that his voice is hardly an echo. God does not need you or me, and he would continue to be God without us. But he wants us. He wants to show us who he really is so that all our misconceptions can be erased. Finding clarity and true purpose in life comes with finding the real God. Any substitute for God in our lives is just a counterfeit. Why would you strive to put your faith in a fake? Are you really willing to live your life for something or someone that cannot even withstand time? For something that can be conformed and corrupted by human hands? God has been and always will be. If you are going to risk it all for anything risk it on that.

Some questions

Why when people ask me difficult questions about God do I often have no answer

Will I ever get to see the difference I make in someone’s life

Why do people call me religious when I hate religion

Why do some people get it while others never will

Why am I one of the few who get it

Will I always feel inadequate for the situations I am in

Why don’t more people sleep outside

Will I only understand my life after it is over

Will I fall for my old mistakes

Will I ever get married

When

Why am I so moody

Is there really a hell filled with fire, or is hell just our world without God

Are my actions enough to sway someone’s soul

How can they not believe

How can I make them see

Why are Mormons so whack

Am I being drawn to those who need me most

Where is my home

Do I have one

Some things I’ve learned recently

Selfishness takes on the best disguises

116 degree weather with no humidity is still damn hot

Dust can form thunderstorm-sized clouds

People are naturally resistant to change; the older they get, the worse it is

Racism is alive in the most civilized and developed places of the world

Some people use religion as an arm to extend prejudice towards others

Sometimes well-meaning people do the most damage

I am in a war

Moral dilemmas are growing pains for the soul

A genuine smile is brighter than light

God and religion have nothing in common

People do not know what they want

People are fickle

I am moody

Only God knows

Gay men still like to feel manly

No one except God can tell a person they are going to hell because no one else really knows

For the same reason, no one can say they are going to heaven

Some people would rather be happy and live in a lie than work to search for the truth

I could never be one of those people

Faith, hope and love are all we really have

Will you be my friend?

Making new friends is not easy. I don’t mean casual friends that you see every once in a while. I mean friends who you call and make an effort to hang out with, and when you haven’t seen them in a while you miss their company. A real friend brings makes a contribution to your life that no one else could make. That is a hard thing to find. However, I made a new friend this week, and it blows my mind how these things come together. I usually make friends with people who are opposite from me, which I always think is strange, but somehow it just works. Honestly, I’ve never been one of those people who tries to be friends with everyone because reality does not allow that and no one has time for a million friends anyway. I try to be myself as much as possible, and if I happen to form a connection with someone then that is great. I don’t make a huge effort to befriend anyone who doesn’t seem concerned with me. That may sound selfish, but it is just my way of weeding people out. I don’t want friendship from anyone who doesn’t want it from me. A lot of people fall into the acquaintance category, and the difference is that those relationships are never consistent. Another way I weed people out is when the interaction with them feels too forced. Now there have been several relationships that I worked hard for, but none of them were meant to last because they didn’t. If I have to work really hard to be friends with someone then it is either not worth it OR it is because they need my friendship for that time. Sometimes God brings people in your life for a short time because you need it or they need it and it is best to see that through.

I don’t know why I’m writing this except that I have been thinking about my friendships today and how different they all are. Each one is unique and irreplaceable. Being in a new place makes me wonder how I could make new friends who are as great as the ones I already have. Maybe I won’t. Maybe the friends I make will be few and for very specific reasons, or maybe I’ll make at least one lasting friendship that changes my life. Maybe I’ll change the way I approach making friends. A lot of maybe’s. I guess time will give me the answer.

Give up girly

I have embraced it for a while now, and I guess it is time to write about it. I have never been nor will I ever be a “girly girl.” When I was little I spent every day on my bicycle riding on neighborhood streets, through neighbor’s yards, and over muddy trails. I had a habit of falling on pavement and scraping my knees. Even on Sunday mornings right before church you would find me in my little dress and stockings racing across the field with my friends to see who was faster. If I didn’t rip a hole in my stockings that was a miracle. I was always competitive too. There was only one other girl at church who could run faster than me and her name was Jackie. That little booger was fast and it drove me nuts, but somehow we remained friends. The woods and trails of Florida and Tennessee were my childhood playground, and I LOVED it. My dad and my boy neighbors taught me how to hit, throw, shoot, ride, and do anything faster than someone else. Those were the good days.

Growing up hasn’t turned me into much more of girl either. In middle and high school I turned my love for running into a sport, and you could always find me sweating it out at the track even on weekends. I had crazy bad sports bra tan lines and I could never grow out my nails because they got in the way of doing other things. I didn’t start wearing makeup until college, and I’ve NEVER worn lipstick. I’ve had fake nails once and I would never get them again. I DO like to keep my toe nails painted, but it always gets ruined with dirt and rubbed off by running. Now you can find spot me 4 or 5 days a week running down the road in my army green hat and cut-ff t-shirt. I still prefer being outside even if its raining, and I continue to hate lipstick as well as mascara. I would choose Gladiator over How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days any day, and I think I average wearing heals about once a year. Did I mention I love football so much?…I do.

To some people this blog will sound like an add in a lesbian magazine or a repellent to all guys, but I believe what my dad says, “You will make some man very happy one day.” He will just have to be very very special to put up with a sweaty girl with no makeup walking through the front door almost every day

Cleanse of time

I wish I could wash way all the mess inside me. Just jump into a shower of steaming hot renewal and let the dirt run down my unrecognizable body.

I want to feel the water pour down on my face and disguise my tears as it washes them away with the rest of the confusion in my head.

Maybe then I would be able to look in the mirror and see a glimpse of the person I should be becoming.

No not yet.

Instead this transformation has me stopped in the middle of the mess I’m still trying to escape

And I can still see the patches of rough dirt sticking to the scrapes on my young skin.

The water won’t wash it all away yet.

Pure as pain

If you could see my heart, my soul

It would tell you a story

Of great enlightenment and joy

As pure as rays of sunlight

A passion awakened from years of  wondering

And a love that it never knew before

If you could see my heart, my soul

It would tell you a story of choking loss

Of piercing rejection

And tattered pieces not knowing how to be put back together

Bleeding burning and crying out

If you could see my heart, my soul

You would see scars

No longer bleeding but tender to the touch

Disfiguring what once was but yielding something new

Something malleable and warm

Able to sustain more than before

It is not untouched and memories of harm will linger

But my heart, my soul will endure

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Morning

My dreams are a constant reminder of the things I dare not think of when I am awake

It’s as if they are forcing me to relive the memories I have tried so hard to bury

Each memory comes out fresh and new like the first time

Like no time has passed at all

And when I wake I begin the agony of burying them again